i should write a book.
so i’ve decided to whittle it down to the Top Ten Things I Wish I’d Known About Pregnancy. a couple more of these lists are coming in the months to come, but nonetheless, here’s what i wish you’d told me… yes, you.
10. it is a contest. you don’t actually win anything except bragging rights. being the sickest, for the longest time, having the longest labor, having gestational diabetes, being on bedrest for the longest time, body-part swelling, gaining the least/most weight… you must strive to have the absolute worst experience imaginable to you. then, whatever anyone ELSE’s experience is, yours has to be worse.
9. people can ask you anything they want. folks have license to remove whatever Appropriateness Filter may previously have existed over their mouth and ask you anything from, “Do you know the exact date you conceived?” to “What’s your cervix doing these days?” (real questions. names omitted to protect the guilty.)
8. maternity clothes, yes. maternity shoes, no such thing. you can either smash your feet into your regular shoes, or buy all new bigger shoes. so, have feet that hurt, or a wallet that does. it’s up to you.
6. 9 months. in dog months. it may only BE 9 months, but it seems like 63. i was pregnant going on 5 years and 3 months.
5. lotion doesn’t work on stretch marks. according to my dr., it’s all about the collagen content in your skin. thinking about getting those lips plumped up? skip that – see if he’ll inject it right into your abdomen. (i slathered on lotion like it was my job. so either he’s wrong, or my collagen levels are good.)
4. you lose all privacy rights over your body parts and functions. as of the moment you announce your little bundle of joy on the way, you officially declare others’ rights to touch/rub your belly (“is she kicking right now?”), discuss constipation (“can you still poop when you take those vitamins?”), how often you travel to the bathroom (“do you need to use the handicapped stall?”), the quantity of food you consume (“eatin’ for two, eh?!”), and comment on your swollen feet (“oh, bless your heart, look at your little feet!”)
3. he just says he’s checking how much you’re dilated. he’s really checking your tonsils.
2. you were completely uninteresting before your pregnancy. people used to talk to you (about what?, i ask myself), but now friends or strangers zero in on one thing and one thing only. and it’s not your new haircut.
1. “it’s a miracle.” someone (stev) did tell me this, but i didn’t really take it to heart. it’s true. pregnancy’s long. it makes for a hot (ter) summer. people are intrusive while you’re going through it. you feel like a big, sweaty monster. but at the end of 9 (ahem, 63) months, when you’re anxiously waiting to see just how dark she really will be (!) , and how much she’ll weigh, and what her little cry will sound like, while you feel those kicks at the most random times, part of you still can’t really believe you’re about to be a parent, and God is trusting you with a real-live baby… miracle, i tell you. take that to the bank.